SELF-Therapy: Relationship Analysis

ABOUT ANALYZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

This topic discusses the "Relationship Analysis"
you can do on your own at this site.

This topic is meant as a discussion,
not as a way to actually do the analysis.

You could, however, do a "quickie" analysis of your relationship
by thinking about how things go in your relationship
in each of the five aspects of a relationship described below.

This method can be used to analyze ANY significant relationship in your life,
but it is mainly used for loving relationships.

Dr. Eric Berne, a psychiatrist and the creator of Transactional Analysis,
was probably the first to use this method.

I have made some additions to his basic formulation and adapted it to the web.

THE TEN QUESTIONS

The ten questions in the online analysis relate to
the five aspects of any relationship that are discussed below.

In the online analysis, each aspect is rated twice:
"How does it go for you?" and
"How does it go for your partner?"

1) When You Take Care Of Your Partner

This refers to all of the times when you have a "caring impulse" toward your partner.

Examples (from slight to extreme):
You feel like just touching your partner's shoulder caringly.
You feel like taking care of the kids for your partner because they've worked hard.
You are happy to devote your life to you partner even though they have Alzheimer's.

2) When Your Partner Takes Care Of You

This refers to all of the times when your partner has a "caring impulse" toward you.

Examples (from slight to extreme) -- Same as #1 but with the pronouns switched...
Your partner feels like just touching your shoulder caringly or getting you a cup of coffee.
Your partner feels like taking care of the kids for you because you've been working too hard.
Your partner is happy to devote their life to you even though you have Alzheimer's.

3) When You Share Your Opinions With Each Other

This refers to all of the times when you discuss your values and beliefs.
[Don't confuse this with "Thinking Together."]

Examples (from slight to extreme):
Your child or pet does something smart and you smile appreciatively at each other.
You discuss your religious beliefs respectfully including differences of opinion.
You dedicate your lives to a cause you both think is important.

4) When You Think Together

This refers to all of the times when you both try to solve some problem together.
[Many people confuse this with the "Sharing Opinions." Keep these two distinct!]

Examples (from slight to extreme):
You decide together on the best route to take around town during Saturday morning errands.
You plan a vacation together so that you both get to do your favorite things.
You work together professionally in a highly technical, intellectually intense career.

5) When You Play Together

In sexual relationships this refers to sex.
"Playfulness" of all kinds is considered in all other relationships.

Examples (from slight to extreme) In Sexual Relationships:
Very little sexual teasing or encouragement. Routine, occasional times when they "do it."
The couple enjoys both the planning and the reality of frequent "sexy weekends."
Almost daily sexual activity which is immensely enjoyed by both partners.

Examples (from slight to extreme) In Non-Sexual Relationships:
Your boss occasionally discusses sports with you.
You frequently get together for entertainment events and thoroughly enjoy them.
You are both all but "obsessed" about playing some thoroughly enjoyable game together.

HOW TO USE THIS INFORMATION

There are three different possibilities for you
based on your degree of interest
and on what you want to get out of the analysis.

If you are just curious:
Reread the information above and ask yourself
what the best part of your relationship is,
what the worst part is,
and what, if anything, you are willing to do about it.

If you are willing to spend some time on it:
Click here to begin
Relationship Analysis

If you want my help:
After you finish the analysis and have read all of the results,
write a detailed letter to me with your numeric scores from the analysis.
Describe any problems in your relationship
that you want me to help you figure out.
I charge $1 for each minute at the computer writing back to you.
(Usual charge: $15 to $20.)

LIVING THE RELATIONSHIP MEANS
SPENDING TIME AND GIVING ATTENTION

Relationships are about the exchange of "strokes" or attention.

Any analysis is worthless if you don't spend enough time together,
or if you seldom interact when you are together.

Spend plenty of time together.

Touch, cuddle, talk, and have exciting sex!